If God is for us, who can be against us?

"And what then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" - Romans 8:31

During my senior year at Hope I started to keep records of sermons in a notebook. After a while, I began to also take note of songs that resonated with me particularly strongly at that point in my life. Without a doubt, the most frequent lyrics noted in my black notebook are, "And if our God is for us, then who can ever stop us? And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?"

As I flip through I can remember it's encouragement on October 30th at Calvary,  November 6th at Dimnent, February 5th at Dimnent. Then I was reminded of it once again, in a note from my dear sister that she left on the car seat after our last visit together before I left.

When I was applying for the Fulbright, I was left in a waiting game for almost a year and a half. I was constantly wondering: "Will I get chosen? What would it be like? Should I be applying for jobs? When should I tell prospective employers about the grant possibility? Wherever, whenver, I move, who will be my friends?" Slowly, through the help of family and friends, I realized that as I walked into an uncertain future, I had to believe Romans 8:31 in the core of my being. I had to realize that God was above all and if he wanted me to be in Spain, I would be there. I had done my part, writing a hundred revisions of the same two one-page essays. The sense of peace had to come from trusting the God who provides.

Now, being in this wonderful city of Madrid, I am challenged to live up to what God desires for my life. In a James study that I did with Miss Natalie Daché this summer, I was struck by the reality of James 4:15, "Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'" It finally dawned on me that our lives are truly but "a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." (James 4:14). My car accident this summer could have easily have been more traumatic than it was. A walk home alone from the metro stop will always have a risk associated with it. I am here, I am alive, because God has plans for me. It's my responsibility to live up to them during my time here.

"So," you may now ask, "What grand adventures are you having across the big pond?" To be honest, life here is not as exciting as you would think. I'm not on some tourist trip, touring all of the big attractions and staying up late every night with the plan of sleeping on the plane ride home. I'm slowly (but surely) making a life for myself here that is not too far off of what I would be doing at home. In fact, it may be slightly less interesting given that I haven't formed a group of close knit friends and I'm still living out of a suitcase. However, there are tiny moments of adventure which are enough to make my current homelessness situation worth it :) Here are some updates...

Okay, so this one isn't a foreign experience. But there are some things that make Saturday mornings perfect no matter what country you are in.

For those of you following my food consumption, here are a few of my current staples. Kiwi yogurt, addicting cookies, and Emergen-C (brought from the U.S.). I went running the other day and ended up with a sore throat. I guess I wasn't dressed warm enough for the 8:30 am temperatures (60 degrees... is my body already adjusted to the climate change?!?!).

 Speaking of running, there is a wonderful path through the park next door to my current apartment. I can run 40 minutes without seeing a single stop light! However, it's made my sneakers super dusty. I don't think this picture does it justice but if you look closely at the differences between the blackish part and the crevices, that is the change that happens when I wiped the dust off. I don't know that it competes with the dust on Ali's sneakers from Africa, but still...

Groupon Madrid! I get e-mails every day. I'm definitely planning on using some of these to my advantage...

 I met my nephew, for the first time! Granted he probably didn't get the whole person in the computer thing but whatevs. Josh and Tami have adopted B from Ethiopia and will return to the U.S on Thursday.

Then, of course I had to check in with my adorable niece (and adorable mother!)...

 And last night I took advantage of Euromanía at 100 Montaditos with Napala (fellow Fulbrighter) and Erica (fellow Michigander... who knew I would find someone in Madrid who has dutch danced?). 100 Montaditos a fabulous chain restaurant that has a menu of 100 little sandwiches (montaditos). They range on price depending on the ingredients, but on Wednesdays and Sundays, everything is 1 euro. It's basically amazing.

Sunday morning I checked out the Bundy's church, Hermanos en Cristo. Not knowing how long it would take me to get there, I left about an hour ahead of the service time and arrived about 10 minutes early. I walked in, knowing I would be early but hoping to slip in somewhat unnoticed, only to find that it was a classroom size room with about 40 chairs. The only people there were the two who would be doing the worship music and a few looking over powerpoint slides on the computer. Very inconspicuous, Amber. You blend right in.

The service was wonderful though; it was very similar to what I had experienced in Sevilla. When people wanted to speak up or pray, they did. In the middle of the service, they had new comers stand up and introduce themselves. (Public speaking in Spanish?!?) It was obvious it is a very tight-knit community. Afterwards, I talked to a bunch of people and went out to lunch with a young couple (from Miami) who had been living in Madrid for the past year while they do their Masters. Very exciting prospects!

AND last but not least... my first day of school! Here are a few tidbits of information about my school:

1. The staircases are marble.
2. The paintings on the wall are registered copies of masterpieces (as in registered in El Prado. Real life...).
3. The school is filled with children of government and various embassy officials. (No wonder the guy at the bank down the street was so impressed with my placement...)
4. From what I can understand of their sports leagues, the basketball team is the best in the region and leads into their equivalent of NBA teams.
5. The (beautiful) theater was painted on the dime of the future Queen of Spain since she went to the school when she was in colegio. No big deal.

The sign for the school, which is actually not on the school building. The school is behind a gym (this building) and an elementary school. Of course I walked into the wrong building first but I'm getting accustomed to this. Side note: Being behind the elementary school means I get to see countless cute small Spanish children every day without having to teach them!

So yeah, it's basically the same as Hershey High School or Black River. Jaja NOT. But to be serious, a beautiful building doesn't mean they have it all together. The education system is crazy; strikes are already being planned. Teachers have been fired and class sizes are soaring. (Sound familiar?) Check out this great article recommended to by my Uncle Jack!

Anyway, my coordinator is so overwhelmed with scheduling and balancing his three jobs in the school (Bilingual coordinator, Head of the technology department, and teacher) that I was sent home after an hour and a half chat/tour and told not to come in tomorrow. Guess that means laundry day? I can't avoid these tiny machines forever. Yes, I'm looking forward to having a schedule, but I'm getting to practice the virtue of patience on so many fronts that it is becoming much more natural.

Well, now I'm off to read some of my book and write some e-mails before going to house church tonight!
Much love,
Amber

P.S. Just one more thought from little A-Rog's card...

VagAMBERond

Well, my friends. I made it through orientation. Which means I learned all about:

Oh wait, sorry that was my doodle. We learned about...

Ayyyyyyy, my notes are in here somewhere...

Maybe I should just look at the booklet they gave us. Here's the shortened version:

If you really want to know the details, feel free to ask me. But the doodles infer that it consisted of very long sessions on very hard chairs.

 Don't be fooled by the cloth. These chairs are wood and there was not sufficient space between rows. Also, I'd like you to take note of the awesome name tags everyone is wearing. People wore these walking around the neighborhood in large packs. AKA it wasn't hard to find each other.

But anyway, it was really neat to meet people from all over the United States, with completely different backgrounds, all joining together because of a common interest in Spain. The range of majors in the ETAs is huge; however, when you throw in the researchers, you realize how much flexibility the Fulbright program allows scholars. There are researchers studying everything from skin cancer and marine chemistry (Never heard of that before... but the girl who is studying it comes from a school that is not to be named... cough cough CALVIN! cough) to the siesta and gender roles in flamenco dance. How cool!

 Rock paper scissor snake ice breaker. When you lost you had to join the line behind the person and then join the line of the person they lost to. The only downfall of said ice breaker is that once you lose (which, for me, was after the first game) you don't interact with anyone. Oops...

Chatting it up in the lobby before dinner

But now that orientation has (thankfully) come to an end, I am left to actually settle myself down in this wonderful city. And while I have received many requests for a snail mail address (how nice of all of you!), I have instead dubbed myself VagAMBERond. Cheesy, I know. But I have decided to go apartmentless until October 1st so that I can move in with one of Adrian's (Clara's boyfriend) friends. There is an opening in an apartment with an awesome location, a living room AND an oven. And buena gente, por supuesto.

Now you may ask, where will you be living until then? Well, since Clara and her mom found a renter for their apartment this past weekend (yay!), I moved out so that they can pack up their stuff. So when I came home from the hotel yeseterday, I packed up all of my stuff and moved to Carol's apartment! I think my switching of my living location at least once a month from May to August was preparing me to handle this.

 My bags packed for the third time... I added a bag of laundry this time. I had acquired some toiletries that pushed me over the edge of the three bags.

Clara's dog and I playing before I left. Her toy is as big as she is.

With all of the apartment hunting and switching and googling I've been doing, I must say my head is a mess of streets and metro stops and building numbers. So after I got back last night from going over the deposit details with my future flatmate, I walked into Carol's apartment building ready to settle in and unpack. But as I walked up the steps to the second floor, I was locked out of the floor. I tried the keys I had but since they didn't work, I decided I would get in the elevator at the floor below and get onto the floor that way. Well after the elevator (lethargically) descended and I was able to get the handle-less door all of the way shut so the elevator doors would close, I realized the elevator required a key to get to the second floor. After a moment of confusion, it dawned on me. I had gone into the apartment building of the number of my future apartment building. Oops. When I made it into Carol's apartment building (next door), I found out that a government official lives there and the place had been surrounded by body guards during the election. I hope they don't have video cameras...

Alright, friends, I think that's pretty much it. Here are a few quick highlights before I leave:

• I went salsa dancing on our last night of orientation! Folk social swing really came in handy. Most of the time I had no idea what I was doing but I surprised a couple of the male Fulbrighters who knew who to salsa by following pretty well... apparently my bun didn't scream salsa. WHAT?!?
• I got a bank account! Jorge is the bomb. After I said I needed to open an account he goes, "¿Eres un Fulbrighter?", to which I responsed "Sí...". Then he answered every question I would've asked and opened the account without even asking me what I needed. Apparently being the 12th person to go to that bank has an advantage.
• And alas, some food photos... 

Tapas, half devoured at our party the last night of orientation. Delicioso...

The only good food the hotel had to offer: breakfast. Yogurt bar (dried fruit and pumpkin seeds galore!), endless pastry options, tea, and fresh juices. I think this one was broccoli and grape or something? Mmmmmmmm....

Last, but not least, a wonderful vegetable stew. This was the first plate of the menú del día that I had for lunch today!

Okay, now that's really it. ¡Hasta pronto!
Much love, as always,

Amber

Disclaimer: This blog will record my personal thoughts and reflections; it is not reflective of the positions held by the Fulbright U.S. Student Program.

The beginning.

“Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things – air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky – all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it.” – Cesare Pavese

Now, 'brutality' is a bit strong. But it is true that I am putting a great deal of trust in people that I have never met before. Thankfully, I have met some wonderful people; the Lord has truly blessed me beyond measure. It's also true that I am unbalanced (although I am feeling quite confident in the metro lines, I still rarely know which exit to use); however, I am grounded in faith that the Lord has gone before me. The eternal is mine.

Alright, enough with the quote that many of you read the first time I traveled abroad. What's happening with my life?!? Here are some updates...

Traveling.
Nanny drove me to the airport... no wait... I drove Nanny and I to the Harrisburg airport in Nanny's car around noon. (This will be important later.) I checked my luggage in and almost gave the lady a heart attack when I told her my bag was overweight. Looking to quickly remedy the situation, she asked, "Well how much? A few pounds?" She was definitely thinking that I could rearrange the stuff in between my suitcases and evade paying the overweight fee. "I don't even want to tell you how much it will cost..." Little did she know that I had done my research and found out it was $150 for an overweight bag that weighed 50-75 pounds and $175 for an overweight bag that weighed 75-100 pounds. Thus, I put all of my heavy objects in my human-sized rolling duffle and ended up having one bag weight 94 pounds and another at just 49. Hey! I was packing for a year!

Anyway, after paying my fees and leaving her to find a co-worker to help her move my bag off the scale, I said my goodbyes to Nanny and continued on to security. While waiting in a line (I know, line at Harrisburg... what?!?), I reached in my bag for my phone and gasped "OH NO! MY PHONE!". An image of my phone in Nanny's driver's side door flashed through my mind and I began sprinting (backpack and all) to the car. Now this isn't the first time I've sprinted through an airport, but normally it's large airports where I know I will never see the people again. Not bitty local airports where you come back and every security guard and person in line wants to know what happened and if I got whatever I forgot. Nevertheless, I got my phone, went through the line, and got to my gate without a problem.

The rest of the trip wasn't too exciting: Bad food. Good movie selection. I had a few delays because of storms but I got to Spain so WAHOOOOO!

My First Day.
I got into Madrid around 9:30 Wednesday (a little later than expected) and got my bags. (Phew... I was a little nervous since I switched flights from Harrisburg to Philly after checking in. I didn't know if they would be too keen on moving my monstrosity of a bag.) I left through customs and was greeted by Clara and her boyfriend, Adrian, calling my name with the wonderful Spanish accent. Yay!

We got back to Clara's apartment and Adrian insisted on pulling my suitcases. Upon picking it up, however, he was a little confused how I had managed the 94 pound bag. Although I can't bench 250 pounds (shout out to UB!), I can manage a heavy rolling duffel, my friends. When we got to the apartment I dropped my stuff in Clara's mom's room, ate a late breakfast, and began the apartment search with Clara and Adrian's help. By 3:00 I had called a piso (flat, apartment), set up a meeting time, taken a short nap, and gotten to the piso via Metro by myself. After seeing that apartment, Adrian picked my up on his moto (scooter/motorcycle... yes, Molly, I rode one and it was awesome!) and took me to three other apartments. I think that is what you call "hitting the ground running."

To be honest, my first three days weren't too exciting, so I'll just give you the highlights:

Piso search. Pretty much every free moment was looking on pisocompartido.com, calling people, riding the metro, and checking out the pisos. Here's a list of why the first 9 (9 that I went to see, I looked at way more than this online) were rejected...
#1 - No living room.
#2 - 5 people to one (very small) bathroom? No thanks.
#3 - Only double rooms available.
#4 - 14 girls to one apartment, no boys allowed. I'm sure my Dad would like this but when a male comes to visit me, I want to be able to show him where I live...
#5 - No living room or table to eat at.
#6 - Too far North, not a great neighborhood. (Fun tidbit: It was on the 5th floor and there was no elevator. The 94 pound suitcase could have been problematic then...)
#7 - Wanted a decision on the spot. And the person showing me the apartment was the one that was leaving, not the ones who I would be living with.
#8 - Way too expensive.
#9 - No oven. Can I go a year without baking anything? Probs not.

The one that I saw this morning was modest but had everything I wanted (great location, friendly flatmates, a living room, and a fully-equipped kitchen). My room even had a (small) closet! Whoooooooa. So I will probably go with this one, though I can't move in until October. It feels good to know I can spend my time blogging and reading my Fulbright e-mails instead of being addicted to copying and pasting piso addresses into GoogleMaps.

Vogue Fashion Night. Thursday night all of the expensive stores in el barrio de Salamanca (the poshies area of Madrid) opened up from 20:00 - 0:00. The stores and streets were filled with models, free drinks, and supposedly Katie Holmes! I met up with some other Fulbrighters there, which was fun but a bit of a struggle since my body was still adjusting to the time change. Here's a quick video capturing the scene:

Phone! Yep, I got one. This little Samsung Galaxy has gotten me from one apartment to the next via GoogleMaps. How did people survive before the internet? Also, for anyone with a smartphone... you can download 'Whatsapp' and we can text through the internet. Just e-mail/facebook message me your phone number so I can add it into my contacts. Technology these days...

Wonderful people. Clara and Adrian are two of the nicest, most generous people I have met. They are so helpful; I can't imagine trying to do this without their input about good neighborhoods, metro lines, and phone plans. Carol DeWitt, a missionary with Missions to the World, has also been wonderful. She is helping with the apartment search and is the one who put me in contact with Clara to begin with! I'm going to check out the church MTW is working with tomorrow morning; I hope to get more connected to a church community through their ministry.

Well, my friends, sorry for the wait on my first post. If I wasn't piso searching, the thought of looking at my computer made me want to sleep. But now that I'm sipping on some mint tea (of course) and have some sense of peace about a piso, I am able to enjoy a leisurely late morning blog post.

Thank you to all who are supporting me in prayer throughout this adventure. I know things have worked out (or not worked out) because of the prayers that are being showered upon me daily. So many uncertainties still lie ahead, but I am excited to see what God has prepared for me in this place!

Much love.
In His grip,
Amber

Disclaimer: This blog records my personal thoughts and reflections; it is not reflective of the positions held by the Fulbright U.S. Student Program.

I belong here.

When I last typed an entry in this blog, my heart was overfilled with a desire to get back to Spain. After an amazing semester studying abroad, I didn't want to lose the perspective I had gained from spending time outside the United States. I spent weeks missing the blue skies of Sevilla, the tapas of an evening out with friends, and the beautiful language that allowed me to communicate with a whole new community of people. At that point, my greatest desire was to return to Spain. Now, by the grace of God, I will do just that one week from today.

Since I am in the preparation stage, let me start off the year of blogging by answering a couple of frequently asked questions: 

What will you be doing?
I will be working at an immersion secondary school (grades 6-10) in Madrid. I will spend 16 hours a week in classrooms, providing cultural and language input. This will involve teaching some short lessons, but I will not be the primary teacher for any one classroom. In fact, I will be in a variety of classes, from physical education and drawing to English and science. I will not know my schedule until I get there (and was informed that it may change multiple times within the first month), but the classes are not necessarily one after another. Thus my working hours may be distributed in any way throughout the school day/week. However, most Fulbrighters have off either Monday or Friday every week. Hello, three-day weekends! Since 16 hours per week is not enough to occupy my life for the next 9 months, I will also take on a side project as part of my grant. This can really be anything; the previous Fulbrighter at my school had a poetry workshop in her apartment every Sunday night. I will be (hopefully) volunteering at a Women's Center for Domestic Violence in the city. I have no idea what this will look like since I have no weekly schedule to plan around, but I am really eager to work with women in this manner. 

Where will you be living?
Jaja, funny you asked. I have no idea. I will be showing up a week early and recuperating quickly from jet lag with in order to find an apartment. If you have connections to anyone in Madrid, let me know! 

How many suitcases are you taking?
2 suitcases and a backpacking backpack. If I am going to be moving myself across the city, I do not want to take more than I can roll. 

Are you coming home for Christmas? 
Yes! I will be flying in December 23rd and leaving shortly after New Year's Day. Come visit me in Hershey! 

Are you excited?
OBVI. I couldn't think of a more exciting way to spend the year of graduation. I'm eager to immerse myself in the Spanish language again and to see a new perspective of education. This time around I hope to enroll in a dance class in the city, hike a portion of El Camino de Santiago, make myself at home in a church family, enjoy new culinary experiences, and have many other unexpected adventures. The possibilities are limitless!

However, at the same time, I am aware that this will not be the same as studying abroad. For example, although I will get to meet the Fulbrighters (I think there are 48 of us) briefly at our three day orientation, I will not see them after that except through our own planning. We are all teaching at different schools across the city and will likewise be living in different places across the city. And while I am sure they are all very interesting people, I don't want to spend my year in Spain hanging out with other people from the United States. Thus, I expect it will take a while to find my community of friends.

There are also a number of unknowns (Where and with whom will I be living?!?! Did I make copies of every important document that I need? How the heck do you pack your life up for a year?) that make the move across the ocean a bit more stressful this time around. Overall, the paperwork and seemingly never-ending preparations are keeping my excitement from reaching its full potential.
Lastly, I am trying to be intentional about acknowledging that the coming year will not be all rainbows and butterflies. While a year in Spain will surely be awesome, I am also a recent graduate who is moving 6 time zones away, alone. And while I'm sure it will be an amazing experience, I know there will be days when I am lonely. Working with ESL students all summer reminded me of all the intricacies of language that keep "proficient" from fulfilling all the needs of language. Humor, for instance, is the last element of language that one acquires because it involves so much play-on-words. Hopefully I catch on fast because I take after my Dad in my love for corny jokes :)

But despite all of this, I am reminded that, "I come to the end and I am still with you" (Psalm 139:18). Throughout Psalm 139, David recounts the presence of God with him everywhere. In the last Gathering of the year, Trygve made an important affirmation: "I always belong." Because no matter if I am sitting in my room surrounded by clothes and books and to do lists (current situation) or getting onto a crowded Metro in a new place, God is with me. And in Him, I belong.

So, if I am completely honest, I have mixed emotions. Of course I am excited to embark on such a grand adventure, but leaving behind amazing friends and a close-knit family is not meant to be easy. But with the grace and comfort of a God whose thoughts for me outnumber the grains of sand, I expect to enjoy a year of personal, spiritual, and cultural growth. (That is, unless I decide to adhere strictly to the rules set out by my Michigan Dad: Be home by 10 PM every night; don't eat any strange food or talk to men. And don't forget your keys! Maybe you should just stay in your room! Sorry, Ken... not happening!)

Well folks, that's all for now! This is the last day of errands before I join up with Kristen and Natalie to road trip to New Hampshire for Mikella's wedding, where Jackie will be joining us! Could I imagine a better last weekend in the U.S.?

Much love.
In His grip,
Amber

P.S. Don't forget to follow my adventures via this blog by subscribing, checking Facebook for posts, or just refreshing your window every 30 seconds hoping for an update on my life. Your choice :)

Disclaimer: This blog will record my personal thoughts and reflections; it is not reflective of the positions held by the Fulbright U.S. Student Program.

Be the bridge.

For three and a half months, my blog was a regular part of my life. I constantly updated the day-to-day events, my thoughts, and pictures for the world to see. But now as I'm surrounded by all the people who read this blog, I've had little reason to add an entry. Even as I signed on, I thought I was only doing this as a farewell entry, an entry I could translate into Spanish and post to my blog for Hope College.

But as I felt the knots in my stomach, I realized this blog is just as much for me as it is for you. I can remember blogging on my tiny bed in Sevilla, laughing as Margarita teased me for uploading so many pictures of her food. But now I'm curled up in a Messiah soccer hoodie in the family room I've always known. I'm not sure whether I want to bask in the comfort of home or push myself to remember that there is so much more to the world than I can see from my comfy couch.

Thankfully, ever since I got home from Sevilla I have had a full house and a busy schedule to occupy my thoughts. It wasn't until the New Year hit that I had a day to lounge around in my pajamas with my mom and sister. Here's a brief play-by-play of my break so far:

Lots of crafts to get ready for Justin and Christy's wedding.

Christmas Eve and Christmas with my amazing family.
(This time we're passing the free time making programs for the wedding...)

Delicious meals made by my amazing mother.

Bowling bachelorette bash.

And of course, the wedding of my brother to his beautiful bride.

With some beautiful bridesmaids ;)
Check out the wedding party gifts... neon, embroidered chucks.

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of excitement and it was a blessing to have my whole family around to celebrate. But now everyone is returning to their respective lives: Mom to school, Ali to Messiah, Justin and Christy to Texas, Josh and Tami and Amaya to Ohio, and Dad to work. And in less than a week I will also be headed back to life at Hope College.

I think the return to a scheduled life, filled with students so wrapped up in their studies and futures, will bring about a realization to the ways I've changed over the past 4 months. I desire to be passionate about life, excited about opportunity, and expectant for great things to happen. I crave to learn from those around me and about myself.

But I need my friends and family to be supportive of these pursuits. I need those around me to recognize that God has finally broken through my heart and made me realize the medical career I had always envisioned is not what I was destined for. Instead, as others are beginning their MCAT studies, I will begin my own application. I am applying for the Fulbright Program, an international education program sponsored by the U.S. government and designed to, “increase mutual understanding between the people of the United States and the people of other countries.”

The process is only just beginning and I haven't decided yet which country I will apply for. The options range from Mexico to Colombia to Spain (13 in total) and I'm not sure whether I want to continue my assimilation into one culture or try to experience something new. In some ways, it would be beyond amazing to return to Spain and be able to maintain the relationships with all those I met in Sevilla. But after another year, I would just have to say goodbye again. Maybe its better to build new relationships and continue expanding my worldview. I honestly have no idea and I'm certainly open to suggestions.

Another rather important element to take into consideration is the prestige of this award. Students and professionals from across the United States apply for these scholarships and I can't expect by any means to receive it. Therefore, if anyone has information about similar programs to teach English abroad, I would appreciate the information. You can comment on the blog or pass it along to my e-mail, amber.rogers@hope.edu. The more programs I apply for, the greater my chance of getting accepted!

Last but not least, I ask those of you still reading this to pray for me as I continue through these elements of reverse culture shock. I struggle with summing up my entire life for the past semester in the short summary people want to hear. But when I try to insert stories here and there I feel like I'm boring those around me with my stories of being abroad. Please bear with me; I've hardly processed these experiences for myself, let alone for public consumption.

A friend of mine abroad had always said that this bridge in Sevilla was beautiful, no matter the circumstances. Day or night. Rain or sun or clouds. It is always beautiful.
She would tell herself, 'Be the bridge....'

I try to say goodbye and I choke // I try to walk away and I stumble

I really wanted to write a last blog in Spain. But I decided living my life for the last 72 hours was more important.

Now its 7 AM on Thursday, my last day in Sevilla and I'm studying (rather last minute) for my 2 remaining finals. Or rather that's what I SHOULD be doing. Instead I'm balling my eyes out at an e-mail from my best friend, who has been a constant sense of encouragement this semester - reminding me to let go and enjoy, but also about the realities of coming home after study abroad. And since she has had a whole semester of study abroad blogging under her belt, I've decided to use her e-mail as my last blog post.

Thanks for everything, Jackie.
And the rest of you - I love you and I'll be seeing you soon.

it's the end of the world as we know it................ idk why that song just popped into my head. it's kind of callous though so that's not the real point of the email.

bienvenidos al lutimos dia in sevilla. thats my spangtalian for ya.

how much does it suck? probs a lot. but like I've said before, everything will be okay.

“Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: rejoice!” Philippians 4:4-5

It's okay to not be ready, yet still recognize that you are having to leave. It hurts, but that is only evidence that you have lived your semester to it's fullest. The culture and the people are now a part of you, and leaving cannot undo that. Think of all you have gained. How this experience has shaped you for the better. But also think of what you have given, what you have poured into the lives of others there. Leaving is not returning to a life you once lived, instead you discover a new 'life' that blends who you have become with the community that you have always called home.

"and this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best" 1:9-10

In your adjustment, you will find what is best. What you will miss from study abroad and what you welcome whole heartedly from home. You will cherish the insight that comes from this experience, because it helps you see so much more about your own culture when you return. And it shows you that the "american way" is not the only (and often not the best) way. but you'll see that on your own, I shouldn't spoil all the fun :)

What you'll miss most probably, the people, yes the people. Those relationships will not stay the same, for sure. But, the possibilities are endless. think about it...you and me? we haven't seen each other really for a year, and we're doing pretty well :) so you don't have to just cut yourself off from the people you have grown to love-whether they are american or spanish. And even if the relationships die, there is still a joy to be found in having experienced them at all.

"he who began a good work in you will carry it through to completion" 1:6

this work is not over, spain is now on your heart, and you will be returning someday in some facet to rediscover it again, or maybe for it to rediscover you. the way they cherish people over there, I'm sure that it will be easy for us to go back for a visit someday and just fall right back into place with the people we love. I know, there is so much there that you don't want to let go of. But do not forget that the same author who wrote for you to be in spain is also writing your return to America. There is something for you here.

"The lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." 4:5-6

It's okay to let down your guard a bit. I know, I know, you are a master compartmentalizer, but don't try to block out all of the anxiety. Of course, make sure you enjoy your last day, but I fear that if you stay too compartmentalized, it may just all hit you when you are back here, when the moment's gone, when you can't really tell people there how you feel, and when you are no longer surrounded by people who are experiencing the same thing. So say thank you to those who have impacted your life the most. One thing I have learned in the last semester is that when you feel inclined to say something, you should usually say it. It's like a little nudge from God.

"and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds" 4:7

He is on guard for you, so you don't have to be.

Have a wonderful day! rock that final, then enjoy. take pictures. eat as much as you want. spend all your euro. give big hugs. When you step on the plane the following day, the greatest consolation of all will be having no regrets.

I love you bestie! and I will be praying for you, it is going to be a long couple of days!

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for you I always pray with joy." 1:3

Be still, my soul.

Risk more than others think is safe.

Being a young American girl in a foreign country, it seemed as if everything was a risk. I enrolled in a dance class the entire way across the city and walked home by myself at 10:30 PM twice a week. I made new friends and went to their apartment to watch fútbol or have dinner. I ventured out on my own at 1:30 AM to meet up with an española from my dance class and all her friends. I had to use my own judgment about every situation and take risks to build the close relationships I have today.

I went to Barcelona the weekend before midterms. I met up with friends on many school nights. I didn’t make homework and my classes the center of my life as I have for the past four semesters. I did the work, but I didn’t worry about it on weekend trips or when I was out with friends.

I indulged in the Spanish culture - soaking up the food, the language, and the social norms. Although there were times when I wondered if I should be holding myself back from going places by myself or studying instead of socializing, I ultimately made the decision to risk it and see what happened. And I don’t regret a single moment of it.

Care more than others think is wise.

Studying abroad put me in a situation I have struggled with before at Hope College. I was thrust into relationships that I won’t know how to maintain after next Friday. At least if I move back to Pennsylvania after graduating from Hope my friends are only a 12 hour road trip away. Here? Not quite so accessible.

Every dance class forms some sort of family. We see each other on good days and bad days, we hear each other get criticized and praised, we watch each other grow artistically and physically. The advanced jazz class at Sevilla Dance Center has provided a place for me to move, to laugh, and to just be part of the family for a semester. I had even been choreographed into their piece for their show in January, only to have to be replaced by a girl from one of other classes. It seems stupid – I’ve done countless shows in my life, most of them more sophisticated and better organized. Nevertheless, knowing I’m not going to be there with them on stage still hurts. I had to help the new girl learn my lifts and spacing, all the while wishing I could’ve just stayed in the first place.

Then there is my señora, “mi madre” for the semester and also the most adorable Spanish woman ever. She helped me when I had questions, bought her favorite dulces to share with me, and waited for me after class everyday to eat lunch together. We’ve laughed together over the fact that every American TV show that the Spaniards watch is related to murder in some way (NCIS, Cold Case, Law and Order…) and talked seriously about the cultural norms, good and bad, of Spain. I help her on a regular basis with her computer research for her adult class at the University and she lovingly tells our cleaning lady, her friends, and her daughter about her hija (daughter) who is her maestra de la ordeanador (computer teacher). Although I have a wonderful family to go back to, I know I will miss our lunches, our conversations, and the way she cares for me above and beyond the expectations of a host mother.

Also, during the second half of the semester I have spent a great deal of time with Gabri, who I met through Ramón, the intercambio of Molly, my closest friend from CIEE. (Got the connection?) He’s showed me around the city, taken me out with his friends to watch the Barcelona vs. Madrid fútbol game (Spain’s superbowl), and helped me a great deal with my Spanish. (The last part may be because he doesn’t speak any English… it’s somewhat a do or die situation). We’ve become good friends and we have a lot of fun together. But again, I’m leaving December 17^th, whether I like it or not. And it’s discouraging to know our friendship cannot truly be maintained. Communication barriers, which already exist, are doubled across Skype or Facebook messaging. Plus, Hershey isn’t exactly a weekend trip from Jérez.

Even Molly, who attends school at University of Wisconsin, will be difficult to keep track of. We have spent entire weeks together: eating, sleeping, studying, talking, and who knows what else. I plan to visit her at some point next semester before she graduates, but we won’t have the same experiences to laugh about or stories to swap about our crazy Spaniards.

But despite all of this, I dare to care. I was able to develop meaningful relationships with Spaniards, my señora, and other CIEE students. I have guarded my heart carefully for many years and although I continued to retain perspective, I didn’t hold back quite so much while making friends this semester. Now, I am trying to be thankful for the way these people have helped me grow as a person instead of sad that I’m leaving them in less than a week.

Dream more than others think is practical.

I dream that this is not the end, but rather than the beginning. I have fallen in love with Spanish, the language and the insights that can be learned from another culture. I hope that after I graduate, I have the opportunity to continue this learning experience while teaching English or teaching Science in an English school.

Right now, I’m young and free to explore the world without having to worry about many ties in the United States. Although I think it would be hard to leave my family for more than a semester, I can’t even begin to explain all the blessings and lessons I’ve encountered over such a short period of time.

I have an itch. I can no longer imagine myself in the practical, typical lifestyle right out of college. I need to see what more the world can show me.

Expect more than others think is possible.

I expect to be able to experience new things, while always remaining true to myself. I expect to experience, without concrete expectations.

I was walking down the street to the University of Sevilla the other day, wondering how in the world I even got here. A year ago I was a chemistry major - planning out my hospital volunteering, my schedule of Biochemistry and Statistics, and shadows at local offices to be the best candidate I could possibly be for medical school. How did I transform into a Spanish education student who left all her friends and family to go to Spain for a semester? I never actually expected to study abroad, but all the pieces fell in to place perfectly for me to return to my favorite city in Spain.

I don’t think a moment of this semester was an accident. I know God has had a plan for my life all along and had been pushing my buttons, trying to get me to realize that I was not meant to be a doctor. He presented opportunities for me to get involved with teaching ESL, study abroad, and apply for a scholarship program after graduation to teach. I have no idea where I am going next, but I’m no longer limiting myself to what I always imagined my life to be: grow up, go to college, get a steady job near Hershey, and get married. I’m expecting some surprises, and I don’t think I will even try to guess what they will be.

Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible.

The other day I rediscovered a hymn we have used over the past 2 years with Sacred Dance. And it never ceases to amaze me how something written in the 17th century can describe utterly and completely the emotions and hopes I have today.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.