- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
We could learn a lot from crayons; some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, while others bright, some have weird names, but they have all learned to live together in the same box.
This semester is not about studying as much as it is about learning. Learning who I am, learning how the world goes around, learning how to live and love another culture while not forgetting the beauties of my own.
One thing I learned about myself this semester is that I really do have a gift of being in control of myself and the situations I am in.
Example 1: When I go out with my friends at night, I normally keep an eye on my watch to make sure I'm not drinking more than 1 drink per hour. (I blame it on all those 1:1 posters Hope College put around our cluster freshman year...). My friends joke around with me, trying to explain that's not really the purpose of drinking alcohol. But I don't mind maintaining my nerdy control. Because when I walk home I am in complete control of myself and don't have to worry about being put in a compromising situation. I also haven't had to worry about showing up to my señora's apartment sick or being miserable the next day.
Example 2: When we are preparing for a trip, I am typically the one who handles the logistics and reminds everyone of the meeting point or needs for the trip. I figure out what hostel has the best location and how to get there once we arrive in the city. I help suggest museums or restaurants and normally end up directing us there. And in the end everyone is happy; we do what we want to do and they didn't have to worry about it.
Now the point of this blog post is not to brag or boast about my skill set. In fact, its the opposite. But first I needed to explain my Type A personality and how it has come into play this semester. Because though I have managed to relax my expectations and my tendency for control, I have often ended up leading the group in some way or another.
Unfortunately, in my travels this semester I was confronted with an experience that happens too often in my life. I made somebody feel stupid. My I-have-it-together personality has the unfortunate characteristic of making others feel like they are less worthy, less intelligent, or less important then me. Honestly, I don't know how to deal with this. I have never outwardly said to someone, "You're stupid" or "Get yourself together." But somehow I put off some sort of vibe that makes me inapproachable to people who are struggling.
Therefore, in this blog I want to apologize. I want to apologize to my friends, peers, and family - anyone who has felt that I have put them down as a person. Because although I choose to maintain control of myself and the situations I am in, I understand that this does not come so easily to everyone. We are all different, and differently blessed. I have met amazing people here who have the ability to make friends with anyone on the street. Or the ability to make me stop and really appreciate the moment I am in. Or the ability to make me try things I didn't think I wanted to try.
In my future as a teacher, I hope that I will learn to see these different gifts in each one of my students. The fact that I rarely struggled in school has turned out to be a great disadvantage for me because I don't really know what its like to work so hard and still not understand. I want to be a teacher who makes a difference in the lives of my students, who makes them feel good about themselves. But how can I do that for students who I have authority over if I can't even do that for my peers?
This semester has been about learning. Realizing that despite everything I know, there is so much more I don't know. I just hope that I take these lessons with me wherever I go in the world to make a long-term difference in my life and the lives of those around me.
